Walmart Says “Poka, Poka” (bye, bye) to Moscow

The News As We Think It
2/16/2010

What the system says:

http://rt.com/business/news/walmart-russia-hq/


What we think:
Walmart Says “Poka, Poka” (bye, bye) to Moscow

Arkansas hillbillies find cultural clash spoils investment opportunity. Insiders privately relate that the demise of the venture was likely centered around two causes. 1 – failure to bribe work with the real Moscow powers; and 2- failure to adequately understand the unique Russian market.

Failure no. 1 came as a surprise to all, as the Arkansas hillbillies were believed to have had everything firmly in place with Yuriy Luzkov, Moscow’s Mayor. With Luzkov’s recent and unexpected demotion, things turned sour for the hillbillies.

The turn of events was a surprise to everyone as the Arkansas hillbillies were thought to have possessed the highest level of sophisticated corruption skills, acquired under the tutelage of the master, Bill Clinton during his governorship of Arkansas. Apparently the hillbillies will go back to class before they try going up against the “world masters”, Russians, again.

Failure no. 2 was a cultural and market research oversight. It is common knowledge that retail product selection in Russia is predicated on two simple criteria will the product: 1 – improve the buyer’s peer prestige; and 2- is this product the most expensive available. Support, warranty, energy ratings, crash tests, ease-of-use, consumer ratings, mean-time before failure, etc are unimportant to the average Russian consumer’s product selection process.

Close observations have revealed that Russians will never purchase anything unless they can smugly tell their comrades “this is the most expensive, best, top-of-the-line (whatever) that can be found in all of Moscow”. Secondly the purchased item must shout and radiate exclusiveness so as to encourage jealousy and/or raise the new owner of the (whatever) to a higher more prestigious position amongst his/her peers. Unfortunately the Walmart label failed miserably in satisfying these basic consumer needs.

An unnamed consumer research organization, just prior to Wall-Mart’s capitulation, was rumored to have provided the Walmart executives with a guaranteed solution. Only partial details of the proposed plan have been leaked out. But apparently part of the quick fix suggested the following:

1. during the week of May 1 – May 10 (when stores are closed for the holidays and everyone is either drunk or at the parades or both) all merchandise would be removed from the store shelves.

2. all “Made in China” references would be removed from said merchandise;

3. “Hand-made in Italy” would be attached to all said merchandise and all new merchandise subsequently stocked on Walmart shelves.

It is believed that Walmart was in some stage implementation when the problems described as “Failure no 1” crashed their plans. The doors were closed, their reputation was tarnished and the hillbillies headed back to Bentonville with their heads hanging low.

And that's the news today as we think it!!!